The darkest time of my life happened when I lost all faith. I did not believe. If there was a God, I didn’t trust him. Because it felt like He had left this sorry world to figure out stuff on our own.
My way back to faith is not a tidy one. It is tear-stained, riddled with questions, pock-marked with red-faced doubt. God first appeared to me as a flicker — like a flame atop a candle — at the end of long, very dark hallway. And I followed the light until it got big enough so that I could see again. I found my way, by the light at my feet. This, perhaps, is what it meant to have Him go before me, as a lamp unto my feet.
Most days, the light gets brighter still, as I walk forward each day, toward the doorway to another world — a forever world.
But along come those days where it goes all dark again — like someone turned out the lights. And I don’t know how to get to the door anymore.
Yet I will not lose hope. I have been in this hallway long enough to know that the light is still up ahead, and getting there requires the discipline of putting one step in front of the other.
I talked to a friend the other day who has been stuck in a dark hallway for a while now. God isn’t even a flicker of light. She can’t find her way out, and on top of it, she feels terribly guilty because of her faithlessness.
Maybe you’re like that woman. Maybe you’re in a dark hallway, too — groping along the edges to find your way out, hoping that up around the corner you’ll see a glimmer, like some shaft of light at your feet. Life makes no sense for you. Your prayers have gone unanswered. Someone turned out the lights, and ran off with the only shred of faith you had left.
You are faithless. And you wonder:
1 – Does God love me, the faithless one in the dark?
2 – Does He condemn me?
3 – Will He remain faithful, even in my faithlessness?
The answers are these:
1 – Yes, He loves the faithless one.
2 – No, He does not condemn you.
3 – Yes, He is faithful, even when your faith is smaller than a mustard seed.
Let these words bring you comfort:
“What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all!” (Romans 3:3-4)
Friend, Maybe you needed to know that today. Maybe you needed to know that at your lowest, Jesus bent down — all the way from heaven — to find you and save you. Jesus is more than a flicker at the end of the hallway. He is more than a light at the faraway door. He is not Someone whom you have to strain to reach. He is at the doorway. But is also with you in the hallway. He IS the way.
God is faithful, even when we have been broken down into so many pieces that we feel utterly faithless.
“If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.”
(2 Timothy 2:13)