For Anyone Who Has Lost Faith
The darkest time of my life happened when I lost all faith. I did not believe. If there was a God, I didn’t trust him. Because it felt like He had left this sorry world to figure out stuff on our own.
My way back to faith is not a tidy one. It is tear-stained, riddled with questions, pock-marked with red-faced doubt. God first appeared to me as a flicker — like a flame atop a candle — at the end of long, very dark hallway. And I followed the light until it got big enough so that I could see again. I found my way, by the light at my feet. This, perhaps, is what it meant to have Him go before me, as a lamp unto my feet.
Most days, the light gets brighter still, as I walk forward each day, toward the doorway to another world — a forever world.
But along come those days where it goes all dark again — like someone turned out the lights. And I don’t know how to get to the door anymore.
Yet I will not lose hope. I have been in this hallway long enough to know that the light is still up ahead, and getting there requires the discipline of putting one step in front of the other.
I talked to a friend the other day who has been stuck in a dark hallway for a while now. God isn’t even a flicker of light. She can’t find her way out, and on top of it, she feels terribly guilty because of her faithlessness.
Maybe you’re like that woman. Maybe you’re in a dark hallway, too — groping along the edges to find your way out, hoping that up around the corner you’ll see a glimmer, like some shaft of light at your feet. Life makes no sense for you. Your prayers have gone unanswered. Someone turned out the lights, and ran off with the only shred of faith you had left.
You are faithless. And you wonder:
1 – Does God love me, the faithless one in the dark?
2 – Does He condemn me?
3 – Will He remain faithful, even in my faithlessness?
The answers are these:
1 – Yes, He loves the faithless one.
2 – No, He does not condemn you.
3 – Yes, He is faithful, even when your faith is smaller than a mustard seed.
Let these words bring you comfort:
“What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God’s faithfulness? Not at all!” (Romans 3:3-4)
Friend, Maybe you needed to know that today. Maybe you needed to know that at your lowest, Jesus bent down — all the way from heaven — to find you and save you. Jesus is more than a flicker at the end of the hallway. He is more than a light at the faraway door. He is not Someone whom you have to strain to reach. He is at the doorway. But is also with you in the hallway. He IS the way.
God is faithful, even when we have been broken down into so many pieces that we feel utterly faithless.
“If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself.”
(2 Timothy 2:13)
Amen and amen! Such a great encouragement, Jennifer. You are always a blessing!
Thank you for writing these words, Jennifer! Your posts are so timely and perfect!
Jennifer, first, I’m so sorry about the pain you feel in your hallway (or maybe it’s confusion). I wish it were not so. Second, I’m so grateful for your honesty in the hallway, because others struggle too. Third, Im so grateful that you know the Way. Because He is the Way, He knows the way, and with Him, there is no darkness at all. He sees in the darkness, because He is the Way, and He is the Light. And He is the Life. I know because I have not known the way, and I had groped in the dark (and often still do), and I was dead to Him, but He gave me new life. I offer no answers. I don’t know why He lets us grope through seasons of darkness, or pain, or doubt, or harrowing hallways. I just know what you say here is truer than true: “But is also with you in the hallway. He IS the way.” Jesus, Immanuel, God with us, will not leave us alone in the hallway. He is with us in it and through it and waiting at the tunnel’s end (as true and paradoxical and mysterious as that all is). I have found that when we wrestle with God–like wrestling in the dark to grasp for Him–He actually pulls us closer. I am praying for Christ’s nearness to you, in ways you have never known. I don’t think you need to know the way out. He doesn’t ask you to. He just asks you to reach for the Hand that is already reaching for yours, and He will lead you out. I love you. I will pray (and have been).
xxoo
Lynn
i totally get this and see this especially when alot of us have wilderness time with God. We are suppose to knock on the door because we are going that way but we can’t help so stay waiting to get waved on through to the correct or next right door. It is hard but necessary so he can cleanse us. I don’t have any solutions because i am still in the hallway just look toward Jesus even when we can feel, see or hear him but keep praying to him.
Although my current hallway is not in darkness, it feels stalked by shadows. My light is dim, but I do know God will kindle it to full glow if I wait with an expectant heart. How wonderful it is to know that no matter how small our faith may be, God’s is unchanging and never failing. Blessings, Jennifer!
Amen. Thanks Jennifer. Great post.
Oh yes, Jennifer! This is so THANKFULLY true! God never leaves us even when we can’t see our way…when we can’t see Him! I’m so grateful that when I saw that flicker of light at the end of the hallway, He was there to guide me closer!
Blessings, Joan
Beautiful, Jennifer! It’s funny … I hate it when I can’t see my feet, like when I’m in a dark room or a darker restaurant with a black floor. It’s really disconcerting for me. But I never thought of that in conjunction with the verse about God’s Word being a light unto our feet and a light unto our path. I’m going to be mulling this over for awhile, I think. 🙂