How Grief Becomes Gratitude + a GIVEAWAY
Are you feeling overwhelmed lately? Chances are, the answer is, “yes.”
That’s why I invited my friends Kathi Lipp and Cheri Gregory to share a message with us today. They’ve written a terrific new book called Overwhelmed, to help people quiet the chaos and restore their sanity. Today, Cheri is sharing a story with us above the overwhelming nature of guilt.
Welcome, Cheri, to the blog!
How Grief Becomes Gratitude
By Cheri Gregory
I spent January 2016 in the grip of guilt.
My mother had died just two months prior. Shock offered blessed numbness through Thanksgiving and Christmas.
But with the New Year came the new normal: life without Mother.
Oh, we’d been slowly adjusting, year-by-year, as Alzheimer’s Disease took more of her memory, her mobility, and her personality.
We’d even gotten to the point where we all spoke in hushed tones about how much we wished she was no longer suffering.
But expecting my mother’s death did nothing to make experiencing it easier.
God did not create us to accept loss. He places eternity in every heart. Thus, when a life is cut short, we grieve.
If we know how.
Which I did not.
I Didn’t Know How to Grieve
Many years ago, during a quiet conversation, I asked my older brother, “Do we know how to do sadness?”
“No,” he responded.
“Then I guess we don’t know how to do grief, either?”
“Not at all.”
At the time, I was merely curious. Now, I wish I’d recognized my deficiency and enrolled in a Grief 101 class. Or bought some books on grieving well.
I know: you can’t ever really prepare yourself for loss. But anything would have been better than winging it when the time came.
With no clue how to “do grief,” I could only do what I knew how to do: guilt.
When Guilt Overwhelms Grief
For months, I was overwhelmed by memories of all the ways I’d let my mother down:
– My perpetually messy bedroom (which Mother dubbed “The Wreck of the Hesperus”)
– Our angst-filled family therapy sessions during my eating disorder years
– All the times I cancelled trips to take my children to see her
In early May, I was dashing into Target for a tube of toothpaste when the huge “For Mother’s Day” display brought me to an abrupt standstill, then almost to my knees as waves of guilt overwhelmed me, yet again.
Mother and I were such opposites; I’d expressed scant appreciation while she was alive.
Her favorite phrase was, “Cheri, I’ll never understand why on earth you’d want to ________.”
And my main goal was not growing up to be anything like her.
How Grief Ushers in Gratitude
For much of last year, guilt kept me focused on everything lacking from my relationship with my mother—all that I so desperately wanted but never got from her.
One day, while talking to a friend, I off-handedly described my malfunctioning cell phone as “invented by the devil to make Christians swear!”
Then, I began to simultaneously cry and giggle.
I hadn’t heard that expression in years, not since well before Mother’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. Hearing myself speak her familiar words caused me deep pain yet gave me untold comfort.
I began to notice dozens of little ways in which I’m a lot like Mother:
– The way I “clean as I go” when cooking.
– The way I purse my lips when I’m annoyed.
– The set of my jaw when I’m determined.
– How much my hands look like hers.
– How fast she taught me to walk.
With each new memory come three distinct gifts:
Permission. As I give myself permission to finally grieve—to cry, to wish for what I’d never had, and to miss my mother—guilt loosens its grip.
Compassion. As my guilt subsides, my compassion toward my mother grows. She did the best she knew how to do in the face of myriad difficulties I’ve never known.
Appreciation. Remembrances of my mother are coming back sweeter and sweeter, because I’m intentionally looking for what I can be grateful for in each one.
Over and over again, in a healing cycle:
Permission.
Compassion.
Appreciation.
My overwhelming grief transformed, by God’s grace, into overflowing gratitude.
Instead of making New Year’s resolutions (that will only last for a week), how about creating a Personal manifesto that will carry you through the rest of your life? Sign up for great ideas and resources about how to get out from Overwhelmed and you will receive “How to Write Your Personal Manifesto“ as our gift to you. Get off the overwhelming cycle of making and breaking resolutions and create a gentle plan for lasting life change.
Giveaway of Overwhelmed
To qualify for the drawing, you need to do TWO things:
#1. LEAVE A COMMENT below.
#2. SHARE THIS POST on social media.
That’s it! Once you do both, your name will be entered into the random drawing. Be sure to tell your friends so they can sign up too. The drawing will take place on Friday, so don’t delay! {Contest is limited to US & Canadian readers only.}
About Overwhelmed
Kathi and Cheri want to show you five surprising reasons why you become stressed, why social media solutions don’t often work, and how you can finally create a plan that works for you. As you identify your underlying hurts, uncover hope, and embrace practical healing, you’ll understand how to…
- trade the to-do list that controls you for a calendar that allows space in your life
- decide whose feedback to forget and whose input to invite
- replace fear of the future with peace in the present
You can simplify and savor your life—guilt free! Clutter, tasks, and relationships may overwhelm you now, but God can help you overcome with grace.
About the Authors
Cheri Gregory spends her weekdays teaching teens and weekends speaking at women’s retreats. She’s been married to her college sweetheart, Daniel, for more than 28 years. The Gregorys and their young adult kids, Annemarie and Jonathon, live in California.
#TellHisStory
Hey Tell His Story crew! It is a joy to gather here every week with you. The linkup goes live each Tuesday at 4 p.m. (CT). If you would use the badge on your blog, found here, that would be great! And if you would visit at least one other blogger in the link-up and encourage them with a comment, that would be beautiful! Be sure to check the sidebar later. I’ll be featuring one of you over there!
Our featured writer this week is Micah Maddox. I loved this truth she shared: “When I praise God again for blessings from the past, I’m compelled to praise Him in the present.” Find Micah here.
To be considered as our featured writer, be sure to use our badge or a link to my blog from your post. xo Jennifer
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Your words today, Cheri, spoke deeply to me. I lost my dad in August and the three year anniversary of my mom’s passing was last week. I do not know how to grieve well but am learning that with God I do. When my mom passed I didn’t know anything but with dad I have a sense I have been in this place before. It is still very difficult but I know this time I will make it through.
Thank you for offering Jennifer’s readers a copy of your book.
Mary,
Thank you for sharing your own personal testimony in dealing with grief. Your honesty in your lack of ability to grieve well is ironically what will help you to do so in a healthy way. Praying you will continue to heal and give yourself permission to do so. Thanks for coming by! God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
While I haven’t lost anyone close to me (except for grandparents back when I was a kid), I have experienced the grief/guilt phenomenon–as a result of caregiving for my husband through his traumatic bout with cancer. Sounds, weird, I know. I had to go through the permission/compassion/appreciation cycle as my husband recovered and I entered the phase of ‘recovering caregiver.’ I discovered that it’s healthy to grieve that things change so that we can forge new ways of doing and being.
Anita,
What a beautiful, healthy demonstration of what it means to give yourself permission even as you walked through such a challenging season. So glad to hear your husband recovered! Thank you for coming by and sharing! God bless you as you continue to give yourself grace and space to heal.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
This is a beautiful piece, Cheri. I plan to share excerpts of it on my blog tomorrow, as my writing topic is “a time to grieve and a time to dance,” from Ch. 7 of my new book, “Newness of Life: Trusting God in Times of Transition,” a study of Eccl. 3:1-8. This post couldn’t fit more perfectly with mine! If I win the drawing, I will post a book review on my blog and give the book away to my readers. Blessings to all of you–Jennifer, Cheri, and Kathi!
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2f55b58a76c92504ab9aa4554a8971fd1f3864a0ee36f759620610e0fe89879e.jpg
Thank you, Sarah!
So glad this book ministered to you and thank you for sharing on your blog, as well. Thanks for stopping by!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
“Timely” doesn’t even begin to describe this post for me, Cheri. Thank you so much for sharing these words today.
Hi Lois,
God’s timing is impeccable. Praying He will use this book to bring healing for you, friend. Thank you for stopping in.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Cheri,
What a blessing this is. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and your story with us. While I have not lost my mother, I understand pieces of your words on grief. This book looks amazing… I am adding to my list. Thank you for writing it.
Blessings!
Dawn
Thank you for coming by and encouraging, Dawn! God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Cheri,
Thank you for being honest with your story; it encouraged me, especially the part about giving yourself permission to grieve. Congrats to you and Kathi on your book; may it bless many.
Thank you, Dolly!
So grateful to hear that Cheri’s story encouraged you. Praying you give yourself permission and that God meets you there. Thanks for your encouragement and for coming by!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Your words are sweet balm to my soul! If you replace your Mother with my Father, my story of 2016 is so similar! May God bless you for sharing these j timate thoughts to encourage me!
Liz,
How amazing is that? So grateful that God used Cheri’s journey to bless you and others. He is faithful and no struggle is wasted! Praying for continued grace and healing for you. Thank you for visiting!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
It’s hard to imagine what losing a parent feels like, and difficult to know how to comfort those who have. Book sounds amazing. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart. Happy Wednesday! Megs
Thanks for sharing, Meg! Have a blessed day!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
It is most difficult for me to imagine losing one of my own parents and yet, I know the day will come. This book sounds like one we all need to read and I am glad for the opportunity. Have a great Wednesday!
Thank you! That is wonderful that you are thinking ahead. That will be such a help to you for the future. Thanks for stopping in.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
I understand the pain, regret, sadness and loss of losing a parent before you could utter words of gratitude for all they’ve done when you tried so hard to be the opposite of them. My mom used to wear this yummy perfume and sometimes when I’m out at the mall or running errands a woman will walk by me with her scent and it stops me dead in my tracks and I sometimes smile, sometimes cry. But always miss her. Loved your post. I feel like we are in a sad club of kindreds who wish we could have our moms back for just a moment to let them know how much they were loved!
Nicki,
What a sweet memory of your mom and what a healthy response you have, letting yourself feel and remembering positively her presence. Hoping our sad club will turn into a club of women who are healed, understand their grief in the context of God’s redemption of our losses, and can help heal others, too. Thank you for sharing your fond memory of your mom and for coming by. God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Oh how I love just even the “permission” first. Yes. Thank you for sharing. Even six years later, I still struggling with the grief of my grandmother’s death. It comes and goes….but it seems it will always be a part of me.
Hi Sarah,
How wise of you to recognize the grief and to choose to give yourself permission to feel the grief and not just dismiss it. Praying God continues to comfort you. Thank you so much for coming by and sharing today!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
I would enjoy reading this!
Thanks, Deborah! Praying you get the opportunity to – it is a life changer! God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
This blog post today really hit home. I needed to read this and would love to read the book as well.
Hi Holly,
Thank you for coming and sharing. So glad the LORD used this post to encourage you. He knows our every need and meets it often in unexpected ways. God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Overwhelmed–what a great title! I would love to learn to simplify my life.
Hi Courtney,
Thank you. This book is a great start to simplifying and also strategizing ahead on how we will face the future. Praying it blesses you. Thanks for coming by!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Cheri and Kathy, what a gift to the world your words are. Thank you!
Shared on Twitter 😉
Thank you for stopping in with your encouragement, Alecia! God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
What a great post!
Thanks, Heather!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
How very true….grief sneaks up on us like a unwelcome soul guest. Even with the suicide of my late husband…in ways it prepared me for the suicide death of my father and no it didn’t. I am back into the permission level and I’ll not move until anger drifts back into the recesses of Stay Out.
Thanks for your timely post.
Beauty for ashes…yet shall I praise Him.
Wow, Mary.
What a testimony of God’s grace and strength as you set your heart to choose freedom to heal by giving yourself permission. He is truly making beauty from ashes for you, friend, and I am confident that He will give you grace as different waves of grief try to engulf you in the future. You are standing on the Rock. God bless you – thank you so much for sharing.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Jennifer your book ” The happiness dare,” is a great companion piece to the post written today. The line that struck me strongly is that Cheri remarked to her brother about never having to deal with sadness. What a gift to be able to choose happiness. Yet loss and grief are part of all our lives and unlike “Erickson’s stages of grief,” I learnt in Psych 101 over 32 years ago and I have to read up to remember I love the more simple and concise application of dealing with grief the way Cheri describes them. I know that grief is part of everyday and part of us choosing to be overwhelmed by it. The book “Overwhelmed,” would help me with a friend I am honored to mentor and help and the title describes her struggles which get more complicated and messier the less she deals with her reactions healthily. Thank you for this post and for a chance to get this book for her.
Great insight, Corena!
Thank you for coming by and sharing. I love how you explore this choice we have to not be overwhelmed. We have the power all in our decision of giving into the emotions that try to pull us into a state of being overwhelmed or giving it to God and making a different choice of permission, gratitude and healing. God bless you as you seek to help others, too!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Every month I muster up the strength to talk to four total strangers regarding how they are coping with their grief. This past holiday season was difficult. It’s hard to say the right words. Somehow the words come out right. They respond to me “I never thought of it that way.” It is the simplest things in life that make a big difference in those who are experience grief. There is no time limit to get over the loss of a loved one.
You are the winner of this book! Please email me your mailing address within the next 24 hours to claim your free book. My email is
jd*******@gm***.com
. yay you!
Angel,
Truly you are an angel to the people you are seeking to encourage. Thank you for serving God in that way. You are right about no time limit for grief. It visits us seemingly at whim, but armed with a strategy to face grief and God’s word, we are not afraid. May God continue to use you to spur others on toward healing. Thank for stopping in!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
What a great post! Shared.
Would love a copy of the book
Thank you! The book is available on Amazon. Would love to hear how God uses it in your life. Thanks for stopping by and God bless!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Thank you for sharing this book! It will help many.
Cassandra,
Thank you for coming and sharing here. Praying that it will. God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
My husband struggles with the death of his father who killed himself. My husband was the one that found him so it is an image hard for him to get past.
I think this book would help both of us.
Jillian,
Wow. Such tremendous heartache for your husband. We are so sorry to hear of this suffering. How wonderful of you to walk through the grief and healing process with him by reading the book together. Even though our sorrows sometimes on this earth can be overwhelming to consider every moving past, our great God is able. Praying He heals your husband and for grace for you both as you walk through processing this grief. God bless you both and thank you for sharing.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
The book Oberwhelmed is on my shopping list! I will share this post on Facebook as well. I love your blog!
Thanks so much, Kailynne!
I pray it blessed you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Thank you for hosting. It is a difficult subject. I know my Mom has struggled with it. Sounds like a good book.
Thank you, Sherry! A difficult subject, indeed, but needed by all as we process all of life’s many hurdles and turn them into praise to God. God bless you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Grief is such a delicate topic for me right now. In therapy I have decided to finally take the step to grieve my dads death after 13 years of loss. I’m terrified.
Manda
Manda,
I am so sorry for your loss and so proud of you for giving yourself permission to grieve! This step will greatly help you to face the grief in a redemptive way. Don’t be afraid – God is in the fire with you and He counts your every tear. Thank you for coming and sharing your burden. Praying that God will heal you and help you to see yourself through His eyes. God bless you.
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Thank you, your word mean a lot to me. Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Manda,
Praise the LORD. Grateful for your interaction here and God’s movement in your life. Keep putting one step in front of the other and give yourself grace. Healing doesn’t look perfect. Just keep abiding in Christ. Praying for you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Although my mom is still living, I still grieve my childhood often. This post helps so much. Thank you!!
Thank you, Candi, for coming and sharing.
Recognizing that grief is still present is a great opportunity to apply these truths in your life. God was in your past, too, and He will redeem it for your good and His glory. Praying for continued healing for you!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Thank you for sharing this about grief! The book looks amazing and I would love to read it!
Thanks for sharing from your heart—grief is such a complex creature. This book looks super—post shared 😉
Thank you for this hope-filled insight, Cheri. I love the process of permission, compassion, and appreciation. This book sounds great. I shared.
Thank you so much, Trudy!
Praying the truths conveyed in this book heal and bless all who you have shared it with. Thanks again for coming by!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
This is beautiful, simply beautiful. It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death and my grief has slipped back in like a sacred secret know one else wants to know. Thank you.
Hi Lisa,
How wise of you to notice the grief trying to pull you back. Praying God uses the principles in this post to guide you as you navigate through the grief. Thank you for stopping in!
~ Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Wow, Cheri, I could almost have written this myself because I see similarities in our lives. I lost my 93 yr old mother last April, and I also dealt with feelings of guilt. My children would remind me that I did my best with her, but I still wouldn’t be satisfied. But I’m learning how to grieve and I’m remembering the good things. Thank you for sharing your story. Blessings to you!
Hi Gayl,
Thank you for sharing. The fact that you would not be satisfied shows what a caring person you must be. God used you in more ways than you will likely ever know. Great job remembering the good things. Praying God fills you with continued peace. God’s blessings to you!
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Great description of the cycle of grief.
Amen. Thanks, Theresa!
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
This is so true and beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story. The book sounds amazing. I have shared!!
Thank you, Meredith! Praying it is a blessing and that God uses it in many ways for you and your friends and God’s glory!
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Wow, I am so touched by this. I am in the midst of Alzheimer’s with my mother. She is 86 and we moved in together almost 2 years ago when she could no longer live alone. This road is more difficult than I could have ever imagined. The guilt is suffocating and my mom is right in front of me. Thank you so for sharing! Your post brought me a huge dose of His love today at the most needed time. P
Hi tracy,
Thank you so much for coming and sharing your burden with us. Praying for much grace and encouragement for you in this season. There is no condemnation for you in this selfless service you provide, only grace. May you have strength to continue this journey you are on. So grateful the LORD used Cheri’s post to give you His love at just the right time. God’s joy to you today, friend.
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
great post – just forwarded to two grieving friends. thanks, cheri/jennifer/kathi
Thank you, Sue! Praying it blessed your friends and that God brings His supernatural healing to their hearts.
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
This post really touched my heart. For years I have held on to remorse over my mom’s passing. I was very young when she died, and our relationship had not been the best after my parents divorced. At times, I still grieve over the way things were left. But the Lord knows, and I pray for peace and comfort even after the 37 years she’s been gone. Thank you.
Jocelyn,
So very sorry for your loss. Praying God graciously moves you from the guilt Cheri mentioned which kept her focused on everything lacking from her relationship with her mother, to a place of gratitude recalling how God used you to bless her. You were exactly who God wanted to be her daughter. Praying for continued peace of Christ to overwhelm you with His joy and healing. Thank you for sharing.
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
I shared on Instagram
Thank you, Jocelyn!
Praying the truths in this book encourage you!
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
So much good here … where do I start? Permission to grieve. Permission from the have-to’s. And oh, overwhelmed … goodness I NEED to get this book!
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Hi Lori,
Thank you for visiting with us and sharing how God is using this book to encourage you! We are all in need of giving ourselves permission and grace. So glad to hear that you are doing that. God’s grace and joy to you today!
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp’s Ministry Team
Such wise words to guide the grieving process: permission, compassion, and appreciation. I, too, lost my mother two years ago. Though she was experiencing dementia, it was a massive stroke that took her life. She was 85. Even this long since her passing, I can apply those three strategies as memories surface and reminders occur, Thank you, Cheri!
Hi Nancy,
Thank you for joining the conversation. I am so sorry for your loss. So grateful to hear that you are applying Cheri’s strategies to help you heal. May God continue to guide you through the grieving process when triggers emerge. He is faithful. <3
Denise Pass, Kathi Lipp's Ministry Team
@brookemartinez
Thanks for this posting and for the book giveaway! Grief comes in different packages and it is important to know how to manage the situation inside ourselves. I lost a cousin last Friday to pneumonia and I am overwhelmed and confused. Last year I was diagnose with Leukemia and went through chemo, it is one year this month… and through my grief this past week of my cousin, I also realized I am still grieving myself with my cancer and this new life I am forced to live…. Nonetheless I fight to be happy and content, this new book is now on my reading list to buy and consume! Thank you for talking about it and your situation. thank you to the writers for bringing this out in print for all to understand and consumer. A huge and important issue that many many people struggle with and don’t even realize it. Counting my blessings with each and every day. TODAY Ya’all are my blessings!! Tere C./Southern New Mexico
shared at IC Whimsy on twitter and my personal facebook pages.
TC