Dance the Orange Dance

October 13, 2014 | 83 comments

The fire is alive, an orange dance in the dark.

I typically underestimate how much light one small fire can bring to one dark room. But I see it today, because I am stilled long enough to pay attention.

I am here, under the soft blanket, in the shadow. A clock moves its hands in a slow circle.

 

These have been hard days, tired days, cuddle-up-by-the fire-and-drift-off-to-sleep-again days. Somewhere, far down inside, my heart says it’s okay to be like this. There is a strange peace, I think, that comes to the sick. It is a grace from God, given to the unwell. I do not wish to be sick chronically, but for a time, I am acutely aware that my own life has granted me permission to stop. Sickness pries a woman’s own fingers off her overworked soul.

I want to be well again. But for now, I live surrendered under a sickness.

Call it a moment of fever-induced weakness, but I snapped a picture of myself yesterday, with my face to the fire.

I posted that picture of myself on Facebook and wrote the following:

 

“So this is me, tired and sick and weak,” I wrote to my Facebook community. “My brother says I look homeless, like someone who has found a quiet corner in some alley somewhere. Maybe I’ve posted this picture because the sickness has gone to my brain, making me do crazy things. Or, quite possibly, it’s that #preapproved

 message that has gone to my brain. Beware, the lure of vulnerability. 🙂

“In any case, I have been feeling rather sorry for myself, unable to do a lot of the things I love to do, on account of being so ill. I was diagnosed with C.Diff on Friday. So I couldn’t join my family at church today. I don’t have the energy to write on my blog. I can’t exercise with my friend Becca. I had to say “no” to an invitation from my friend Erica. I’ve been too tired to put my own children to bed. I’ve spent approximately 72 percent of my waking hours in the bathroom. Food tastes horrible.”

“But then, gospel happened. I ‘went’ to church this morning, online. (Isn’t that something, how we can do that these days?) The gospel saved my sorry self again. The pastor — his name is Adam — preached a convicting message about not grumbling or complaining. He reminded me about the good in my life.

“See: I am down, but not defeated. I may ‘look’ homeless, but I have a soft cushion under my head and a roof over me and a family around me, praying. And then that pastor prayed, ‘Dear God, there’s no place we go that You are not already present.’

“I am not alone. And you, my friend, are not alone. We are gonna make it. You know that? We really are. This is not the end of the story. Not my illness, or your heartbreak, or your missed flight, or the broken relationships, or the lost job, or (__________). It is not the end of the story. It is just a plot twist. The best ending imaginable is coming. We are gonna make it.

There’s no place we go that God is not already present. We’re going to be okay.

And then I hit Publish on the Facebook post, sending my sad-happy self into the world. I hoped my small story might bring light to someone, like some orange dance in someone else’s dark.

My favorite farmer came in from his barns a few moments ago to check on me. I told him what I was writing to you.

And I confessed something to him, that I’ll confess to you:

In my darkness, I’ve done some un-light, un-shiny things. I have grumbled and fussed and cussed and doubted God. When I was without a diagnosis, I spent more time on Google than with God. I could even sense God near, like He was looking over my shoulder, saying, “Seek Me first, Jennifer. Turn around.” I would stiffen at these keys, tapping inquiries into Google, and I would reply to the Lord like this: “Can’t you see I’m doing something here, God? Can’t you see that I’m trying to figure out WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???”

That would be an un-light, un-shiny moment.

I told my favorite farmer about that, and he just listened. Then he and I talked awhile about how there’s no darkness so dark that can’t be overtaken by the light.

He came in close to me when he said these words: “In fact,” he said. “When darkness is all around you, it will make your own light shine brighter.”

So what does that mean for us?

What does that mean for us who are down and weary? What does that mean for any of us in this life who are chronically ill, barely making ends meet, facing down the demons of cancer, Google-weary, trying to hold together a broken family, trying to piece together a broken heart?

I think it means that no matter what we’re facing, we get to choose.

Every day, we get to choose.

God says we are called to shine our light and our God-colors into the world. There is no “if”.

There is no:

“If” I get better, then I’ll shine.
“If” I make more money, then I’ll shine.
“If” I ever find a spouse, then I’ll shine.
“If” I overcome this ache, then I’ll shine.
“If” I have the time, then I’ll shine.
“If” I feel like it, then I’ll shine.

We don’t shine because of circumstances. We shine because of Jesus.

The time is now, friend. Whether we’re standing up straight, or flat on our backs, God is calling us all the same. This is our time.

“Arise, shine,” the Lord says. “For your light has come, and the glory of the Lord rises upon you.”

Shine your beautiful life.
Dance the Orange Dance. 

 

I’m Giving Away the Light (A $50 Gift Certficate)

One of the greatest joys of this life is being able to pass the light, like a candle, to a friend, as if to say, “Here, this can help you through the dark.”

You, dear friends, are candle-holders to me. I see better because of the light in you.

As a celebration of the Light in each of you, I am joining Dayspring and (in)courage to give away an amazing gift today: a $50 gift certificate for the new Everlasting Light collection! I have several pieces from the collection, and they are gorgeous. I’ve purchased several pieces for Christmas gifts. And I’m so excited to share this with you today! Shine on!

Use the Rafflecopter below to enter. (Click here, if you are an email subscriber, or are unable to see the entry form.) A winner will be selected on Friday!

 

a Rafflecopter giveaway


by | October 13, 2014 | 83 comments

83 Comments

  1. Karrilee Aggett

    I love you so! I am praying for you… and am so thankful for how His Light shines in you and through you!

    Reply
  2. Constance Ann Morrison

    To paraphrase Milton (“they also serve who only stand and wait”): Jennifer still serves God while sprawled on the couch in front of the fire, tapping keys on her i phone. Thanks again for letting your light shine!

    Reply
  3. Daniel Farrow

    Dancing the dance with you & lifting you up in prayer Jennifer. He is your healer!

    Reply
  4. Kim

    My church is going through some really rough/tragic things. But when it all came out, I was away with no phone or connection to anyone so I didn’t know about it. During that time, God spoke to me and gave me songs and verses that at the time I didn’t know why I needed them. Ever since that weekend I have clung to those moments because I know God had me in His hands even when I didn’t realize I needed to be there.

    Reply
  5. Marjorie Scheib

    Sorry that the C-Diff has gotten a hold of you. My daughter caught it a few years back while in the hospital and it made for a very, very long night for this Mom.

    Reply
  6. kasmith03

    My husband and I went through years of dark times…while it was so difficult, I can now see how and where God was making it all beautiful. It gives me hope during dark times we have now (because of course there are always those times) God was always there and He always will be! Kristin Smith

    Reply
  7. Celia

    Ever since last years Lightbearer’s conference I have been waiting for direction from God. I prayed with everything that I had, Here I am Lord. Send me to do your will. It took awhile, but one thing I realized is that he wants me to be a light of forgiveness to some of our good friends going through a tough time, and to hopefully spread that light to our church family and community.

    Reply
  8. Krista Dowdey

    I’m in a season where I’ve really had to learn to “celebrate the waiting” or “praise Him in the hallway”. Its not easy, but each day is a gift even when there is something BIG you are waiting and praying for, that you feel that God called you to, that still just does not seem to happen. It is humbling but a unique part of the journey.

    Reply
  9. KristinHillTaylor

    LIGHT is my word for this year. God’s shown me so much as I’ve reflected on how living in the light brings freedom. I’ve specifically seen light in my family as we’ve made decisions that aren’t always popular but are obedient to God’s calling for us. I love this post and how you light up the dark. xoxo.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Light is the perfect word for you, friend. You truly shine.

      Reply
  10. Kayla

    So sorry you are sick. Your vulnerability + authenticity shines even when you are in a sick-haze, though! Our little guy suffers from sickle cell and this weekend we found out he’s fighting pneumonia. He’s doing better, but he always teaches me to see the light, even in the midst of things that feel so very dark. xo

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Oh Kayla! I am so sorry. Praying for your little guy right now.

      Reply
  11. Kate

    Prayers for your health, Jennifer! Thank YOU for being such a shining light in a dark place. Was just encouraged by a sermon yesterday, saying that as believers, we have the honor and privilege of bringing glory to Christ in so many ways. One of those ways is persevering toward holiness in a very unholy world. Thanks for being one of those people! May your health and strength be restored to you soon!

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Thank you, sweet friend. I adore you.

      Reply
  12. Brooke Montgomery Cassinelli

    Even when things get tough, I know that HE is always with me. His rod and staff comfort me. He goes before me. There are many times when that’s all I cling to. He is good ALL the time!!

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Thank you for sharing, Brooke. Glad to see your face and words here in the comments. 🙂

      Reply
  13. Bobbie Jo

    God has used music to speak to me in dark times. I can hear songs that spoke to me 10 years ago, and am reminded of His faithfulness.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Oh, me too. Music is a powerful balm for the soul.

      Reply
  14. S.Etole

    Thanks for being a light in the darkness for so many of us. Blessings as you recuperate.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So grateful for your prayers and kindness, Susan.

      Reply
  15. Birdie Cutair

    at first I thought you had joined the Orioles fans here in MD. Yes, we go a bit crazy when our favorite baseball team is playing. But now I see the orange is the light that shines in the darkness.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Ha! I haven’t heard about the Orange Dance of the Orioles. I’m not much of a baseball fan, but I dare say that if the Orioles have adopted an Orange Dance, I’m with the Orioles! 🙂

      Reply
      • Birdie Cutair

        The Orioles are about all things orange.
        I have been praying for you and hope you are feeling better. I pray for your complete recovery.

        Reply
  16. Lynn Mosher

    Bless your heart! I’m so sorry you are sick. I just made an image this morning for FB, which says, “Where you are with the Lord is blessed!” And you are! Suffering many of the things you mentioned at once can sometimes be overwhelming, but I CHOOSE to have a grateful attitude! Without it, my peace would be nonexistent! You are always in bright, orange light in this dark world! Praying you get well quickly!

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So grateful for your prayers. Thank you, Lynn.

      Reply
  17. Kelly Goodman

    Thanks for the blog post. How awesome that even in your illness, you think about sharing! Even in my darkest days, I know that God is with me and that darkness will not last forever. Plus the light you emit through your posts, brightens my days too! Praying you feel better soon!

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Writing helps me make sense of everything. I’m pleased and humbled to know that it has encouraged you. God bless you, Kelly!

      Reply
  18. Lynn Morrissey

    You ARE blogging…..you ARE shining, right in the midst of C-Diff darkness (Daddy had that….no picnic). LIfe isn’t a picnic, but Jesus used a picnic on a lawn when people were hungry and needy. He shone a liight and gave them food. He gave them Himself–Bread of life, Light of the World. He is with you Jennifer, and His light embraces you. I’m so sorry for your illness. So sorry you feel so poorly. So amazed that you would reach out to all of us in the midst of it. So amazed at your light-shining generosity. Im glad to know (even though I have no idea how you took time and energy to share)….but I’m glad to know so I know how to pray.
    Sending you so much love because I’ve been warmed by your light and His.
    Lynn

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I am immensely grateful for you. I don’t feel very “shiny” but am so glad that some of the God-Light comes through in my weakness.

      Reply
  19. Susan

    No matter the darkness, when He comes, He shines!

    Reply
  20. Carolyn Counterman

    You are always a shining light, Jennifer. I am praying that you will heal completely, quickly.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Bless you. You are kind, Carolyn. I appreciate your friendship.

      Reply
  21. MsLorretty

    There are times recently when I’ve hit the wall..thinking …is it worth even trying to be a light at all? Sometimes there seems to be a shinier false light drowning out my very best efforts. But God knows my true heart and when I’ve really gotten to the edge of my edges, He shows me where the light has gone and it’s just beautiful! I do hope you are up and running (sorta running!) soon. <3

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      hey friend — I get what you’re saying here. May we both keep our eyes fixed on the right light.

      Reply
  22. aly d. chase

    I’m in the trenches with you, sick sister. We are shining together. Pass the blankie. xoxo

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      You’re on my heart, Aly. xo

      Reply
  23. Mary Carver

    Well. This certainly speaks to me. I’m not sick but I have a baby, and I feel as if I’ve spent the past 18 months (of pregnancy and newborn days) in a tired, grouchy fog. I’ve definitely spent a lot of that time thinking, “I’ll shine…then, later, when I’m not tired, when I’m organized, etc.” Thank you for your honesty here, friend – and the inspiration to shine NOW.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      You already do shine. You really do. Right now.

      Reply
  24. ro elliott

    Glad to see today you are feeling better… It is amazing where sickness can take us… Or I guess I can expose in us… But it can be a gift that brings us to a deeper surrender in Him… Letting His light shine…

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So true, Ro. Thank you.

      Reply
  25. Mary Bonner

    I, too, am glad you are feeling better. This post speaks to me…especially the “if, then” statements. As always, your words are challenging and thought provoking. Thank you, Jennifer.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I have good days, and bad days, but I do feel like I’m heading in the right direction. Grateful for your presence here.

      Reply
  26. susan

    Jennifer, thank you for reminding me that we can shine for God, be windows to God’s glory, no matter what hardship and trial we are going through. I really appreciated your thoughts about the “orange dance”. The way you wrote about it, brought it inside; rather than just an intellectual concept, a heart understanding. Hope you feel better soon.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So grateful that my message came through. Thank you, Susan.

      Reply
  27. Beth K. Vogt

    Saying a pray for you today. I had my own battle with CDiff a few years back — and I had to learn to be content with how life changed. And to know God was in the changing. Thank you for reminding me — all of us — that it all comes down to the choosing.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So curious, Beth, how long did it take you to recover?

      Reply
      • Beth K. Vogt

        Mine was an extreme case because the CDiff “hid” for a month or more — acted like a lingering flu. By the time it made its full appearance known, it took me down hard. I was seriously ill for several months and it took me a full year to recover. This is not at all typical. I am praying you have a much less severe case. If I may, I recommend a good probiotic. 🙂

        Reply
  28. Brenda Haggard

    Thank you for the reminder that we always have a choice – to be ruled by our shifting emotions, or God’s unchangeable promises. We can be joyful, we can give thanks, we can be the light – this is not dependent on our circumstance. Praying for health and strength and laughter for you today.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I greatly appreciate your prayers, Brenda.

      Reply
  29. Michele Morin

    Arise! Shine, for thy light has come! Listening to the Messiah these days and lighting candles. Thank you for the reminder of health from your days of recovery and waiting.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Thanks for stopping by, Michelle.

      Reply
  30. Jean Wise

    glad you are better. And bravo to you for using an experience like this to encourage the rest of us. Thank you!

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Every day is a new day — some good, some bad. But I do feel like I’m headed in the right direction. Thank you, Jean.

      Reply
  31. beth_e

    There’s something about lighting candles causes me to pause, shifting my focus from my situation to the light, and the origin of the flame. Watching a candle burn reminds me of the light shining in me and through me…sometimes my faith falters and it’s but a flicker. When I put my trust in God, though, that flame blazes brightly. His light always leads me through the dark places in my life. Wonderful post, Jennifer! Praying for your complete recovery.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Thank you for the prayers. And yes to candles. 🙂

      Reply
  32. Pat Calhoun

    He used my D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N. To shine His Light in my darkness! I have a dear friend who has bouts of depression every once in a while. I always thought that maybe there was a reason behind it ~ you know, like a pained marriage, abuse as a child, deep disappointment of a goal never to be reached. That is until I slipped into a year long, deep, darkest of dark, loneliest, mind boggling clinical depression myself. There was no pained marriage, there was no abuse as a child, there was nothing that I knew I had set as an unmet goal ~ NOTHING I COULD PINPOINT ~ N.O.T.H.I.N.G.! There was no joy even though I knew I was loved by the Lord and my family and friends. There were hours and hours of staying in bed, unable to sleep, but also unable to get up and function. The smallest “duty” became a monumental task, like just washing up and putting on my makeup! I couldn’t eat, I didn’t want to talk, I just sat and stared. I still have no idea why it happened. I tried many different medications, mind exercises looking at my circumstance (for which I thank my friend, B for sharing her times of depression and what helped her), always in my Bible and prayer, and eventually, we found just the right meds that helped. I still have small times of depression even though I am on medication for it ~ I know the why for these recurring times of depression now as I deal with chronic pain. But to live a life of almost constant depression as deep as Matthew, I’m not sure what I would have done ~ except my family, besides my God and salvation, are the dearest in the world to me and I don’t think I could ever hurt them by doing this ~ BUT, I don’t know ~ I just know that where I lived that year, as my husband says when he had looked in my eyes, it was like there was no one home ~ and that’s how I felt ~ no home, no desire, no drive, no nothing! So if you have a friend or loved one who deals with depression, urge them to get meds ~ this is a blessing, not a failure to trust God! Pray diligently for them. Hold them if you have opportunity. Help with the daily drudgery if you are able. And realize that sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do! Just be there and understand that a mind with a disease is like a heart with a disease ~ no shame ~ sometimes curable, sometimes not ~ sometimes takes the life, sometimes renews the life. If it takes the life, offer love to those left behind, then step back and wait for their pain to subside. It the life is renewed, rejoice and don’t treat them like delicate china. Sometimes there are just some things we won’t understand ~ maybe the Lord will let us know when we get to see Him face to face ~ after all, we will have all eternity to have our questions answered ~ or maybe our new bodies will have great big forgetters that won’t require an answer. Trust in the Lord with all your ♥… And I pray…
    SONshine to you, (Ephesians 5:14)
    Pat Calhoun
    Trust in the Lord with all your heart…Prov. 3:5-8

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Grateful for your wisdom and experience shared in the comments, Pat. Thank you.

      Reply
  33. Sophia DeLonghi

    Light often comes to me when I seek God’s Word or listen to praise music. I also love to light candles that smell good! Not only do they flicker away and glow, but they also bring in a fragrance that comes to my senses and uplifts.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Flickering flames are mesmerizing, aren’t they? Thank you, Sophia.

      Reply
  34. Elizabeth Stewart

    The scripture from Isaiah 60 is one of my favorites, the Amplified Bible translation of it is amazing.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I will check it out, Elizabeth. Thank you. xo

      Reply
      • dukeslee

        Oh yes, very powerful indeed!

        Reply
  35. Kim

    When I was diagnosed with cancer, light came as I meditated on Isaiah 26:3..”.You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” When fear and anxiety threatened to overwhelm me, I had to fix my thoughts on the Lord. It was the only way I could experience peace and the light of God. As I take care of my two sons who are chronically ill, I, like you, would find myself searching google for answers. Instead, I’m learning to look to God first and trust Him to provide the guidance and help that we need.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      So glad to hear, Kim. Thanks for sharing. You lead by example.

      Reply
  36. Joan

    Light has come in a myriad of times and ways. Often in the garden in the quietness, working the earth, breathing the smells of the soil and the seasons, hearing the wind and birds, the water…..new perspectives on old concerns come. And in facing fears and what seems to be those hopeless helpless times when all that is left is to cry out, “Help”. And He does. Help. Sometimes through thoughts cross my mind, a memory of how He intervened and blessed in times past. The words of a scripture or hymn. Encouragement from someone that was too timely to be mere
    coincidence. And sometimes light has come after the tears were shed and my eyes were clear to see more fully once again. As He lifted more of the shadows so I could feel the warmth of His love.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I appreciate your perspective and your beautiful words, Joan.

      Reply
  37. pastordt

    Oh, Jen. I had to look that up and I am so, so sorry. Please take care of yourself, okay? The fact that you pulled together this beautiful post is a big piece of hope-filled light, so I’ll hang onto that, okay?

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      Thank you, Diana. I have been taking it pretty easy here. I’m fairly home-bound, and appreciate the support of my local community, as well as the encouragement from my online one. Grateful for your friendship and prayers.

      Reply
  38. Pat Aho

    I am in a dark place tonight not sleeping. This post has shown a ray of light into my darkness.

    Reply
    • dukeslee

      I am so sorry, Pat. I hope that a bit of hope rose with the sun for you this morning. When we struggle, nighttime can be so very hard. I’ve prayed for you today.

      Reply
  39. Terra

    Thank you again for living a transparent life that gives others hope in their own darkness.

    Reply
  40. lynn__

    I love the thought that Jesus, the Light of the world, fills us with his flame so that we can “shine like stars” in a dark world. You let Him shine thru, Jennifer, even in your weakness…thank you for sharing!

    Reply
  41. Kimberly

    Love love love your transparency here. I am so sorry that this illness has gripped you. But am very grateful for your obedience to His will, even if it took a little time. A tender reminder that no matter how stubborn we have been, turning back to Him is ALWAYS the option. Praying speedy recovery. Blessings, Kimberly

    Reply
  42. Kathy

    I know the difficulty of being sidelined as you wait for healing and energy to return. I pray you find more enlightment from the Lord to pass on to your readers. I feel we are surrounded by darkness of this present, evil age. We possess the light of the Lord to show to others that darkness can be conquered. We have such a treasure within, and it must glow and bring light to others. May you continue to shine where you are despite the illness. I am grateful that we can always repent and find God’s love and light to guide our lives.

    Reply
  43. Barb

    “There is no place we can go that God is not already present”- what a profound reminder in my dark places. Thank you for letting your light shine!

    Reply
  44. Sarah S

    I’m praying you heal and recover quickly.

    I was thinking the other day about light shining in the darkness. And I was reminded of a time when I was learning to hike Badger Mountain at night. We went every week after my husband got off work. At first, I wore a head lamp. But, my head lamp blinded the other hikers. So I started holding it in my hand like a flashlight directed at the ground in front of me. One night, one of the other hikers in my group said, “If you turn off the head lamp, your eyes will adjust to the darkness and your balance will improve.”

    The next week I tried walking without a light at all. I walked close behind my husband and grabbed his shirt often for support when I was unsteady on my feet. After several weeks of this, I noticed I no longer needed the support. I was hiking up and down that mountain with the best of them by the natural light of the moon, stars, and city below us.

    As I thought about this the other day, I realized hope is like the smallest light shining in the darkness. I have to look for it. At first I might not see it. At first, My head lamp might be blinding me to the light of hope. It might take weeks before my eyes adjust to the dark.

    When you’re in a dark place, and your searching for hope, turn off your head lamp and hold tight to those closest to you. Then your eyes will find the hope shining in the dark and your balance will improve. All those voices inside that focus on how terrible the darkness seems, the unknown, the failed dreams, and unrealized hopes…those voices have blinded me to the hope that was there with me all along.

    I love your pre approved message. Loved just as I am without one plea. Even loved when I fail to recognize hope. Blessings as you rest. ~Sarah

    Reply
  45. Cynda Baldini

    My Mom recently passed away and I have been unable to keep up with you…I had a nurse tell me that she could see that light in my eyes and then she went to my Mom and saw the same light in her eyes…Jesus! Your blog is such a light spot for me EVERY time I read it and this post is no exception!! You are a light and are shining even in the dark places!! Thank you for that!!

    Reply
  46. Mary Beth

    Sometimes other people’s Sonshine was the only thing that helped me find the way.

    Reply
  47. Cindy

    We do indeed get to choose daily to be a light in the darkness. It was a privilege during my life-threatening illness, to press in to the Giver of Light, our precious Lord Jesus.

    Reply
  48. Megan Willome

    Oh my goodness, Jennifer! C-Diff is serious! (but you already knew that) Adding you to my prayers. So thankful that you continue to shine while lying down.

    Reply
  49. Jennifer Frisbie

    I’m so glad that I found your blog not quite a year ago, Jennifer. Your words always give me such perspective. I am grateful for you.

    Reply
  50. Becky

    Because of God’s great love and compassion, we can truly feel blessed and encouraged throughout our lives. During times of sickness, God’s comfort and care help me to focus on what’s really important here on earth. He helps me “SHINE” during difficult times; I can’t do it on my own. Hope you feel physically better soon 🙂

    Reply

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