Hope for the Dark and Hard Days (And a Book Giveaway)
Are you tired, worn out, not sure if you can make it through another day?
May these words be a balm to your weary soul.
The incredibly talented Kimberlee Conway Ireton is here today to let you know that you’re going to make it. She knows, because she has lived the hard and dark days.
She’s the author of the recently released book Cracking Up: A Postpartum Faith Crisis — a book that will give you hope and make you laugh out loud. Kimberlee joins us today to encourage you and give you hope.
A Letter to Myself Three Years Ago
by Kimberlee Conway Ireton
Some days you want to curl up after your morning cup of tea and fall back asleep. Some days you’re so tired you don’t even want to drag yourself out of bed for the cup of tea that keeps you going through the day.
But the babies are squalling and Jane just might be Picassoing the wall with oil pastels and Jack is likely to stick another Lego up his nose and you had better get up and go supervise.
So you drag your weary body out of the warm bed and you drink your tea strong and you nurse your babies and change their diapers and feed yourself and Jane and Jack, and the whole day still yawns before you and one of the babies has just pooped and you need to change his diaper again and wash the Picasso off the wall and Jane wants you to read her a story or four and you can’t think for the fuzz in your brain, so you do the only thing you can think to do. You drink another cup of tea.
You want to fall on the floor in a puddle of self-pity and ask God just where exactly He is in the midst of the daily tired mess that is your life, the tired mess that is you. You want to throw in the towel, call it quits, and go back to bed.
But you can’t. So you drink more tea. You pray a lot of help me prayers. You dissolve in near-daily pools of Mama-jello on your bed or, on really bad days, the kitchen floor.
In short, you are depressed.
Only you don’t realize it. You think it’s just a phase, something that will get better as the babies grow, as the pregnancy and postpartum hormones work their way out of your body.
Worse, you think it is a spiritual issue, something you just need to pray through and give thanks through and have faith through and that it is your own stupid fault that you’re feeling this way because if you were more spiritually mature, surely you’d be able to see that God is with you in this pit you’ve gone and fallen into and what is your problem anyway? Why can’t you recognize how graced and blessed you are? Why can’t you shut up and be grateful, for the love of God?
Oh my younger self, those voices are ugly. They masquerade as the voice of God. But they’re not. Trust me on this. They’re really the voice of the Accuser. They do not draw you nearer to the throne of grace, but drive you deeper into your sad and sorry and sick self. They shame you. They accuse you. They guilt you and harp on you and tell you every nasty thing anyone has ever said about you and a whole bunch of things that no one has ever said but that you’ve worried they’ve said—they say that all those things are actually true.
And because you’re depressed and your brain isn’t working properly, you believe their lies. You think these voices are speaking God’s disapproval. You think God must be pretty disgusted with you. You think He’s sick and tired of the fact that you’re dealing with these same issues of faith and trust—or rather, your lack thereof.
Hear me, O my weary, weepy younger self: all those thoughts are a lie. Those voices are not the voice of God. God is not disgusted with you or tired of you or sick of you in any way. God is patient and kind. God is merciful and gracious, abounding in steadfast love for you. God is a Man nailed to a tree, arms outstretched to embrace you.
And you here in the agonizing dark, you here feeling abandoned—you are at the foot of the cross. And the Man on the cross knows exactly how you feel. He feels it, too. He feels it with you.
You are never closer to Jesus than when all is darkness.
He knows darkness. He knows agony. He knows abandonment. And He cries with your voice, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”
I know you can’t hear His cry. I know you feel you are not worthy to speak such words. I know you think yourself a lightweight, a loser, a pathetic excuse for a Christian.
You’re not. You are holding on in the only way you know how, and, honey, it’s enough. God’s grace is sufficient. You keep telling yourself this, and you want to believe it, and someday in the not-too-distant future, you will. You’ll look back on these dark days and you’ll realize that yes, indeed, God was giving you grace upon grace, enough to keep you going until you could admit that you needed medical help and get the help you needed.
And that, too, will be grace, the day you break a small blue pill in half and down one half with a cup of cold water. And grace too, that slowly, day by day, week by week, those little blue pills will restore you to yourself. Later, much later, you will realize that those pills, God’s gift of healing and restoration, are Eucharist. And you will give thanks.
But oh, my weary younger self, wading through the darkness where there is weeping and wailing and fear, you are not there yet. I’m sorry you are still in darkness and the shadow of death. I’m sorry you are afraid. I’m sorry you feel alone and abandoned.
I am here, on the other side of the darkness and the fear, and I am waiting, for I know you will reach this place. Until you get here, I know that Jesus is with you, bending down from His cross to hold you in His arms.
I know that you are never closer to Jesus than you are right now.
A wannabe connoisseur of tea and an avid reader, Kimberlee lives in Seattle with her husband, four kids, two cats, and more books than she can count.
It was my honor to offer this endorsement for her book:
“A gifted writer, Kimberlee Conway Ireton writes a boldly honest story that reads like a confession. Her book is a persistent digging to find the light…a story of God’s enduring faithfulness, and it is a revelation of the Father’s love for her, and for all of us.”
A GIVEAWAY
Kimberlee and I are giving away a copy of her memoir, Cracking Up. To enter, leave a comment below, and we will enter your name in a drawing. And if you need a prayer as a mama? Let us know. I’ll randomly select a winner Wednesday evening and notify the winner by email.
wow! tears flow as I read that I am not a pathetic loser and that God is not sick and tired of me…..He is with me….walking this with me…I know this, but it is wonderful to hear it again. Thank you for reminding me that I AM worthy and that I am so very loved…
Believe it, deep in you, Carol Childress! You are so very loved indeed. Glad you’ve stopped by. Do you recognize the paints above? 🙂
You are worthy, Carol, and deeply loved. I know that feeling of worthlessness, the voices that whisper or shout their condemnation. Those are not God’s voice! God is love. And God loves you, Carol, right where you are. Believe it…and if you just can’t right now, I’ll believe it for you 🙂 Grace to you, my sister, and peace from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.
Oh my, how I needed to read this. I finally saw a doctor for my PPD, but my faith is still shaky. Thank you for writing this and for your book. I can’t wait to read it.
Good. For. You … Lisa… So glad you went in. You’ll love the book. And if you haven’t read it already, maybe you’ll win the giveaway! 🙂
Oh, Lisa. I am praying for you tonight. I have been where you are, and it’s scary. I’m so glad you got the help you needed. Light is coming–it’s all around you, already, but soon, you will be able to see it again. Until then, I hold you in my prayers.
O dear dear dear. Do you really have to take a pill. You look so happy in your picture.
Kazzeo … You know how I love your heart. You are always such an encourager. But I stand with Kimberlee on this. Just because a person is smiling on the outside — in a photograph or in the second pew or in the cubicle or in aisle nine of the grocery storye — doesn’t mean that the person isn’t hurting on the inside. I believe strongly that God gave us the gift of medicine to help us when we hurt.
Thank you for taking the time to explain. Yes, I agree that God gave us doctors and medicine to cure our illnesses. Thank you. You are most kind. 🙂
Thank you, Kazzeo. 🙂
Dear Kazzeo, Yes, I really do have to take a pill. I think those pills may have saved my life. Or, rather, God saved my life through those pills.
And that picture? It was taken five years ago, well before the twins were born and my life turned upside down and inside out and backward. I look more or less the same, except I have a few more wrinkles around my eyes and mouth and my hair never looks that good these days 🙂
Thanks. You look so lovely. Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with you. God does send us medicine to help us along the way. Thank you for taking the time to explain. 🙂
“You are never closer to Jesus than when all is darkness.” Yes, but his grace is sufficient and he does want us to be healed. And he does use doctors and medicine and counselors. We can overcome if we believe, if we belief the truth that we are worthy of help, we can be healed. Thanking God for his nearness in darkness! He is so faithful. And thanking God he was there for you too!
Hugs,
Kelly
Thank you for stopping by tonight, Kelly! Modern-day medicine is a gift of God. I’ve seen it again and again, with friend and family who suffer from cancer, root canals, difficult pregnancies, postpartum depression and more. I cannot imagine a God who wouldn’t want us to take advantage of doctors and medicine and counselors as we move through this hard and sometimes painful world.
Amen, Kelly! God is all about healing and wholeness and shalom, and I am so very grateful to be on this side of that darkness, grateful for my doctor, my spiritual director, my husband, my community of faith, who all walked that dark road with me and held my hand and believed for me when I couldn’t. My Jesus people walked me back to the light, and I will be forever in their debt.
So needed this! Struggled with some dark days a few years ago.. those days got darker and darker, and harder to find any light within . The worse i felt,… the worse i felt…as my guilt over not being able to have enough Faith, enough prayer, enough of something that must be missing in me with my relationship with HIM that kept me from being able to pull myself out of it. I withdrew from so much, from so many, yet I desperately wanted, want to LIVE, as HE intended for me, and not just be merely alive , existing as ive been doing. Just a couple days ago, I began to consider seeking medical help…and immediately felt more guilt and shame..as if this meant I wasnt a strong enough believer..but i have prayed, and read, and studied ..and deep within my heart screams to see light, joy, and happiness, …and to be able to share that with others… thank you for your post..and Thank god for HIS timing, you have touched on so many feelings Ive had, and I cant begin to tell you how much I needed to see this. God Bless You.
I have felt the same way, and it’s like this vortex of blame and shame. Kimberlee did a beautiful job of conveying what so many of us have felt. Her book does this so well, too.
Dearest Lisa, you are not alone in feeling the way you feel. As a whole, the Church in the U.S. does not do a good job of caring for those who struggle with mental illness, whether that’s a chronic condition like bipolar or a seasonal one like PPD. Either way, it’s an illness and should be treated as such. No one would tell a diabetic he doesn’t need insulin, that he just needs more faith. Like diabetes, clinical depression is a physiological condition; it needs medication to provide whatever hormone is missing. Depression, of course, is complicated by the fact that the brain is elastic, so our thoughts can and do shape our brains, which is why cognitive behavioral therapy plus medication are such a powerful healing combination for most people who suffer from depression. I hope and pray you reach out to someone who can help you get the medical care you need, so you can LIVE as you so desperately want to.
Wow! Just what I needed to hear as I battle a raging storm with a rare disease. A place where I am fighting fear & anxiety every day. Thank you for these words!!
I am so sorry to hear this, Tammy. I am praying for you this morning.
Oh Tammy, I’m so sorry you’re battling so much: this disease and the fear and anxiety, too. I pray for you today, for God to reach in and calm those fears, for Jesus-people to walk this road with you and hold your hand every step of the way.
Love these honest words today, Kimberlee. It reminded my of my own desperate search for healing. “We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go.” (Heb.6:18 TM) And for a Jesus-girl, it seems as if I’ve grabbed hope and started shaking her awake, wondering when this phase of waiting in the dark will end. Yes, that kind of hope has usually taken the shape of people in my life on whom I’d like to pin my happiness. And we are never closer to Jesus, our Promised Hope, even then.
Thank you, Shereen. I love the image in that verse: grabbing hold of hope with both hands and holding on for dear life.
Beautifully written. I experienced darkness after our first child was born. My husband was laid off from his job less than a month later, my 1 month old baby was diagnosed with permanent hearing loss, my father passed away, and we’d just walked away from our dream home due to the economy at the time. It was definitely one of the darkest periods in my life. I’m so thankful treatment exists for PPD and that I was brave enough to seek it regardless of the preconceived ideas we’re taught to believe about it meaning weakness and failure. I love the quote “You are never closer to Jesus than when all is darkness.” So accurate. Thanks for sharing.
Donna, I can’t even imagine how hard that year must have been for you. I am so glad you were brave enough to reach out for the help you needed. And yes, thanks be to God that treatment for PPD exists!
Good, true, and beautiful.
Thanks, Jenn! So fun to see you here 🙂
“You are never closer to Jesus than when all is darkness.” This is truer than true. Jesus met me in my darkest place, on my darkest night, and I a forever changed and grateful.
Nikki, Jesus met me in my darkest place, on my darkest morning, and I am forever grateful, too.
What an amazing, timely thing to read! I’ve had depression in my past, I’ve walked through it…but have been through some hard days, and these last weeks have been especially hard and emotional. Thank you for sharing some brokenness, to us the broken who are being made whole and being restored and healed! He is faithful 🙂
Thank you, Brittany. I pray that God would continue to heal us, restore us, and make us whole–and for a felt sense of His presence and guidance in these hard days you’re living right now.
I am glad that God is bigger than darkness and is the light for my dark days.
I am so glad for that, too, Beth!
I recognize that prison. I was there once, where the enemy backs you into a corner and shoots his arrows at your soul, even using the Word of God -meant to heal and set free- against you. If the Lord were not with me and on my side, yes, right BY my side I would have perished in my affliction. In all my fear and shame, He held on to me.
Praise God -Jesus always lives to intercede for us. Upon looking back after being brought out into the spacious place of His love, you see it: He was there all the time and as He said to Peter, you will be sifted…but I pray that your faith wont fail, and when you turn back, feed My sheep…
All for His glory.
Kathy, I see you’re a psalm-reader like I am 🙂 That spacious place verse is taped to my kitchen window. I put it there when I finally came back to the light, and when I read it now, it calls me to sing a hallelujah for God’s deliverance.
Wow! I cried while reading that. I suffer from depression that comes with my fibromyalgia. My dark days I feel so alone! I can’t wait to read the book.. I can relate
Oh Tami. I’m so sorry. Dark days do feel alone. Depression is a prison that drives us deeper into ourselves. I pray for you today, for respite from the darkness, for a hand to hold in the midst of it, so you will know you are not alone.
Oh, this line… “You are never closer to Jesus than when all is darkness.” …So true. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.
Deb Weaver
thewordweaver.com
Thank you, Deb. When we huddle in pain or fear in the darkness of the cross, we are identified with Jesus in His suffering; we draw near to Him–or He draws near to us. Either way, He is very close, His breath mingling with ours, His tears mingling with ours. We may feel alone (and often do), but thanks be to God, we are not.
I needed this more than you realize! I have come to know now more than ever, that God’s timing is oh so very, very perfect!! I have just recently heard Christine Caine speak as well, about her struggle with depression, and the stigma surrounding mental illness. Yes, I would have LOVED to have had this resource 9 1/2 years ago when I was trying to figure out the minute-by-minute routine of keeping twins alive (and keeping my sanity intact, while none of the 3 of us were sleeping until my dear husband came home from work to offer me a little relief each evening). There were multiple “risk factors” I had for depression, and honestly, I had had an “episode” of depression a few years before I had even had the babies. But NOTHING could prepare me for what I was about to experience after giving birth. A combination of hormones, those depression”risk factors” I previously mentioned, and the multiple “failures” I felt I was enduring as a new mom of twins hit FULL FORCE and I found myself quickly spiraling out of control into a seemingly bottomless dark pit of helplessness and hopelessness. With God’s help, we all DID survive that time in our life. He led me to some wonderful counselors, and yes~ even medications. At the time, I remember the stigma I felt about taking medications for depression. I didn’t want to feel “dependent” on medication to help with something that I felt was just “something wrong with my mood” or something that I felt “all the other moms in the world handle just fine~ why cant I”? I finally realized that mental health *IS* part of my HEALTH and that my children *deserved* for their mother to take the absolute BEST care of herself… so that I could take the absolute BEST care of them!! Otherwise, I physically could not, many days, even get off the couch or out of bed to do things for/with them. I knew that if I had any other physical illness, like pneumonia for example, and had my children’s best interest at heart… I would take medication to make sure I could get better so that I could be the best mother possible to them!! I would just let myself wallow in the sickness and possibly DIE! I am so thankful for people like you that take the time to write books like this and encourage women during this time in their life!! God bless you and your ministry!! {Psalm 56:8}
I’m so glad you got help! I’m so sorry you can relate to my experience. I think there are a lot of women out there whose shame over their “failure” keeps them quiet about their depression. But you are absolutely right: if we have any other physical illness, we take medication for it. Depression is as physiological as pneumonia. I think there’s a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding around it, which only increases the shaming and the stigma. Good for you for getting the help you needed. And thank you for sharing your story here; it feels validating to hear it.
And just so you know: people like you, with older twins, were lights in my darkness. Whenever I went somewhere and saw a functional parent with older twins, it gave me hope for my future, that maybe I wouldn’t always be the train wreck I was then. God bless you!
Oh I remember those postpartum days well. It was a severe nervousness that I felt as night began to approach. The sleepless nights were tough. Mine did not last long possibly a few weeks but long enough to give encouragement to new moms on their journey.
Thank you for sharing a part of your story with us.
Janet, I remember well that feeling of increasing dread as daylight waned and another sleepless night yawned before me. I’m so glad you’re able to encourage others. 2 Cor 2:4!
I’m so glad you got help! I’m so sorry you can relate to my experience. I think there are a lot of women out there whose shame over their “failure” keeps them quiet about their depression. But you are absolutely right: if we have any other physical illness, we take medication for it. Depression is as physiological as pneumonia. I think there’s a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding around it, which only increases the shaming and the stigma. Good for you for getting the help you needed. And thank you for sharing your story here; it feels validating to hear it.
And just so you know: people like you, with older twins, were lights in my darkness. Whenever I went somewhere and saw a functional parent with older twins, it gave me hope for my future, that maybe I wouldn’t always be the train wreck I was then. God bless you!
Teared up just reading the title…Bless you, bless you, bless you.
Oh Christie, I’m praying for you tonight, for hope in the midst of whatever darkness lurks in your days..
i am a mother of 4 adult children, but can remember so well the days you describe. The truth you offer wasn’t heard much then, but I learned it and I got help, took meds, and started spreading words of grace and mercy…and still am. Please pray for me. I recently lost my husband of 33 yrs. Thank you for speaking truth, Jennifer!
Dearest Sharon, my prayers are with you tonight, that you would know in your bones how close God is holding you and how near your grieving heart is to His this night.
I could have used that letter thirty-six years ago! Thankful that the Lord helped me crawl out of that deep pit of despair long before I recognized it for the depression that it was.
You expressed it so well, Kimberlee. “You dissolve in near-daily pools of Mama-jello on your bed or, on really bad days, the kitchen floor.”
Now as an older woman in the body of Christ, I make gifts to give to each new baby’s mom. With your permission, I’d like to start including this letter for one never knows when this crazy, confusing depression will hit with tsunami force.
Sheila, I’d be honored for you to include this letter in your gift to new mamas. You are welcome to include my website and email as well: kimberleeconwayIreton.net and
*@ki*******************.net
, respectively. If you (or your new moms) search on postpartum, you’ll find several other pieces that may be helpful, in particular, two pieces I wrote recently for A Deeper Church: “All You Can Do” and “The Jesus People”.
“I know you are never closer to Jesus than you are right now.”
I know this to be true, even though I am in a place where sometimes my worry gets the best of me. I have been digging in my heels and holding fast to the promise that His grace IS sufficient for me.
Amen, Jenn. God’s grace is sufficient. Of course, we want it to be sufficient for tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, and He only promises sufficient grace for today. It’s hard to hold on in the face of fear, but even if you can’t hold on, God holds you. Psalm 63:8 (which was my constant prayer in the darkness).
. . “. . . something you just need to pray through and give thanks through and have faith through and that it is your own stupid fault that you’re feeling this way . . .Why can’t you recognize how graced and blessed you are? Why can’t you shut up and be grateful, for the love of God?”
While I did not experience this kind of PPD when I was a mom, I have experienced depression later in life through multiple loss and upheaval caused by life changes. Your words are as true and life-giving for me now as for the young moms who are responding here. We never know when our story will help someone else, though the “story” may not seem to with a surface glance. Thank you
Thank you, Carol. I so appreciate your reminder here of why it’s so important (as Jennifer’s been commending us all year) to tell our story, which is really God’s story: because we don’t know when or how or with whom our story will resonate and comfort and point to Jesus.
I pray the nasty voice of the Accuser falls on deaf ears when he speaks to you these days and that you only hear the loving voice of our Savior calling you to come and rest and receive His peace.
Oh wow. What a message from God. I went to visit a spiritual director yesterday for the first time in my life, and this is what she was telling me. All my inner thoughts telling me I’m no good at being a CHristian, I’m useless and I have spent all my life getting nowhere – they are just the enemy, telling me lies. And this just confirms what she said. Thank you so much, I needed to hear this.
Oh S, I’m so glad you’re seeing a spiritual director! My spiritual director is the one who first spoke these words of wisdom to me that I can now share here. Jesus loves us–we can’t even imagine how much–and those voices that shout condemnation are not His. He came not to condemn the world–or you, or me–but that the world–and you, and I–might have life in His name. I pray you hear His voice of love this night, this week, this season, and that it overwhelms the Accuser’s lies.
Thank you for this message . I would love to win a copy of your book!
I would love for you to win a copy of my book, too, Andrea 🙂
So glad that God laid it on your heart to share your story, Kimberlee and for you to be transparent and vulnerable about this life stage that gets so little attention, is so misunderstood and needs to be highlighted. As a support to postpartum moms there is such a need for truth and honesty about this…
Will be sharing your story ( and maybe your book :)) with moms I know
Thank you so much xoxo
Thank you, Linda. Please feel free to be in touch with me if you want more material to share with your postpartum moms. New motherhood is such a tender time, and you’re right, it doesn’t get nearly the attention it deserves; we focus a lot on healthy pregnancy and forget that postpartum health is just as crucial.
Thank you for sharing this. My first daughter was born just 6 weeks ago, and even though I didn’t have postpartum depression, I can definitely relate to the feelings of constant tiredness and doubt. You put that in words so well, and reminded us moms that our worth is in God alone.
Congratulations on your baby girl! I hope you’re starting to get a little more sleep these days.
Though I never had PPD, I did have plain old, nasty, depression. And I was and am so thankful that God provided a good doctor, a good therapist, dear friends and family, and a medication that worked for me. And always the ‘everlasting arms’ to hold me as I walked (sometimes crawled) through that dark time.
Amen, Mary Beth! Thanks be to God for doctors and medication and counselors and friends and family who hold us in dark times–and, yes, the everlasting arms that carry us, always.
I sure could use hope for my dark days that just seem to go on and on for I have been stuck and haven’t been able to move forward since losing the love of my life. I feel that I have nothing more to give to this world even though making a difference has always been the way I lived.
A book on this subject is needed…bless you for sharing!
Really wishing I could believe this. Sure would be nice if believers of this message of hope around me would actually act it out instead of just saying it.